i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
