so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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