When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
