Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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