I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
