I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
