i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
