I didn't shave. On purpose
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Is it penis luge time yet?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
