I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
