So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
