I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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