I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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