Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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