Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
