He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
