I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
