My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
