I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
