I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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