yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
