I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
