I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
