There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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