At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
