Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
