You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
