One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
BRING THE BAGELS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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