Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
