Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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