my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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