My liver just broke up with me...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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