i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
