just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
