I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The best revenge is premature balding
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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