Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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