I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
