can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize