Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
