So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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