He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
