I'm jealous of your bromance
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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