New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
