I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
