First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
