He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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