Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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