i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
