I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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