Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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