I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i black out too much to be "responsible"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
