if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So many bounce houses so little time
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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