if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
