I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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