I got chris browned last night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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