College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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